In love, it’s best to leave on good terms than to go to war.
Though it may seem unlikely at first, your relationship with your ex can be surprisingly simple. You both stand to gain enriching experiences from remaining friendly, and it’s always best to avoid things getting complicated or worse, completely nonexistent. But how do you know just how much space your ex should take in your life? Are things really over, or just pushed back to later?
According to psychoanalyst Geneviève Abrial, staying friends with an ex is possible, but you have to ask yourselves the right questions first.
Soul Searching
Before starting an amicable relationship with this person, a bit of soul searching is in order. What do you really feel towards them? If there are still romantic feelings at play, a friendship will not feel satisfying. You’ll lose more that you’ll win. It’s normal to feel affection for someone you’ve been intimate with, but it’s very important to distinguish between love and affection.
That’s not the only question you’ll need to think through. What do you expect from a post-romantic relationship? Are there still hard feelings or sad feelings? Are you afraid to lose this person? Are there misunderstandings between the two of you? Expectations? Do you want to stay with your ex for fear of being abandoned or left behind? In order to be completely honest with yourself, take the time to step back and really think about these things.
Do it for the Kids?
Things start getting really complicated when your children are involved. We want the best for our children, and usually the presence of both parents is the optimal outcome… But for this to work, both parents need to work together, and not against each other. Complete separation is nearly impossible most of the time. The best thing is to talk about it and find a solution that works for both of you. The key to this working is mutual respect.
What About “Ex-Exes”?
Then, there are “ex-exes”, past flames who you haven’t seen or dated since long ago. Thanks to social media, knowing what your “ex-exes” are up to has become much easier. Is reconnecting with them a good idea? There can be pros and cons to this. If the relationship ended badly, maybe time will have helped you both heal. Making definitive peace could allow you both to turn a new leaf. But be careful: this could easily backfire and push you both back into a problematic relationship.
With some water under the bridge, and after taking some time to think things through, do you still have feelings for you ex? Keep in mind that it’s easy to idealize past relationships. It’s also a possibility that the other person is no longer interested.