Why are we so nervous about hurting people’s feelings? Whether it’s your partner, your co-worker or your kids, many of us do our best to AVOID negative topics. But what if it’s something that can’t be avoided?
Everyone can relate to the fear of bringing up a sensitive topic or being critical of another person. Often, the reason is that you don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings. We spoke with psychologist Toni Rebik, who says this social reflex is not as selfless as it looks:
When you’re really afraid of hurting another person’s feelings, what you’re trying to do is avoid hurting your own. When you’re afraid of telling people what you want, you’re actually fearing they’re not going to like you.
There is inherent value in “toning down” your discourse strategically in order to get the response you want from others. The idea is that if you’re able to control another person’s perception of you, it will enable you to manage your own self-image. But is that constructive in the long run? Toni Rebik doesn’t think so.
That’s really not helping because it stops you from being authentic; it creates this false idea of who you are. You really need to be yourself in order to get what you want.
This phenomenon is seen in all sorts of social situations, from the mundane to the very serious. Nikki told Toni Rebik about an example with her aesthetician, where she was too shy to tell her to do something different than usual with her eyebrows. It can also be a HUGE problem in couples; if one person isn’t satisfied, they may choose NOT to tell their partner because they think it’ll give the couple a better chance of survival. Women in particular tend to “close up” if they’re not satisfied in bed.
I’ve bought from sales people just because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings!
Parents can also relate to this: have you ever had to (gently) let your child or teenager know that they’re making a fool of themselves? What about getting them to contribute around the house? These are topics that are well known to spark heated conflict at times.
Toni Rebik’s conclusion is that you have to always be honest with yourself, even if it’s painful. The alternative is worse: bottling up things that bother you, or unfulfilled desires, can only lead to more pain later on. There are respectful, constructive ways to bring up sensitive topics to your coworkers, friends and loved ones.
Listen also
Are you worried about having tough conversations because you're scared you might hurt peoples feelings? Psychologist Toni Rebic explains how to stop worrying.
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